Logan's Birth Story
Logan came quickly into this world one year ago on Mother's Day. When I first looked at him I noticed first his size, he was SO small, then I looked into his eyes. I remember thinking, he doesn't look the way I thought he would. His eyes looked strange and he didn't cry. I held him for what felt like just a few moments, then they took him to clean him up. I remember looking over at him and feeling a little uneasy, I think I knew deep down that something was coming. My doctor walked over to Logan, which I thought was different, he hadn't done that when I had Devin. He then came over to us and simply said, "It looks like your baby may have a chromosomal abnormality and this can mean there could be serious internal issues". I remember freezing in fear. I didn't cry, I didn't say anything. I just felt like time stood still and and couldn't move or breathe. Immediately, Logan was taken away and the doctor left. I don't know how much time past before they came back and told us that they thought Logan had Down syndrome.
All I remember of the next two days was Dale and I alone, crying and trying to support one another. The first day or two were the hardest for Dale, but then after that he was on the phone announcing to friends and family that Logan was here and he calmly told each person that Logan has Down syndrome. I am so thankful that he did this, because at that point and for weeks afterwards, I was not ready to talk to anyone.
Besides the obvious, the hardest thing about the first days in the hospital was that Logan was only in our room for 30 minutes (to try to breastfeed) every 3-4 hours due to jaundice and inability to control his temp. I just wanted to grab him and go home! I couldn't sit and look at the same four sad walls anymore. I wanted to escape and try to get back to what I knew. Thankfully, at the end of day three, when I was supposed to go home, they told us we could take him with us as long as we brought him right back in the morning to check him over. When we were home I was able to start to bond with Logan and sort through my many feelings. It took a couple of weeks before I felt comfortable talking with everyone about Logan and even longer before I wanted to seek out information and support, but it eventually happened.
How Logan Changed Me
Because of Logan, I am more trusting of other people (because I now have to rely on others to survive). I am more relaxed as a Mom (not everything is going to go just the way I want). I became a member of a very special group of amazing people with amazing stories and have made lifetime friends.
Before Logan I had not had any experiences with people with Down syndrome, but now I am proud to cheer them on, but sad to think that such beautiful children have to endure such great challenges.
I have found that life is even more precious and every second should be enjoyed and cherished.
"Blessing in Disguise" was how my doctor put it when he delivered the diagnosis. I completely ignored this comment at first because I was too focused on me and how the diagnosis was going to affect MY life. How selfish that was.
I still need to thank my doctor for how he handled the situation. He said all the right things and turns out, he was right about everything even though I chose not to believe him at first.
I still fear the future, but it is much brighter than I had expected. Logan is our angel sent from God to enhance our lives and bring clarity to see what is most important in life.
My dreams for Logan are that he will feel accepted and an equal part of our family.